Letting It Go

Things are starting to get better. I was able to get a scholarship to pay off the reminder of my internship cost, which makes me very relieved. Still not sure what exactly is going to happen about my horse having a home but I have emergency back up plans thanks to the help of friends.

My internship is going very well. I enjoy the work I get to do. For now I will not stress about attempting to find a job (I will look into it next week). I just need a break from the stress. There are still some areas that need some work in my life, but overall I am feeling much better.

I apparently just needed a few days to completely break down, cry, and pick myself back up. Which I did. During this time I feel so weak and vulnerable, but as soon as it’s over I feel stronger than I was before. Trying not to let these things get to you is easier said than done. Sometimes it’s actually healthier to face them head on before they sneak up on you. That way you don’t have a mental breakdown from all the unnecessary stress you are placing on yourself. Now I know this advice is easier to give than to follow. I am very bad at facing what stresses me out until I absolutely have to. For the most part I avoid confrontation, other times I feel the need to get things settled.

 

Give Me A Moment

Give me a moment to be weak. Give me a moment to cry. Give me a moment to feel like all is lost.

After this moment I will be strong again. After this moment I will come up with a plan. After this moment I will put my life back together.

But for now, for this moment, let me cry in the shower. Reduce myself to a puddle. Let the stress wash over me and let it all out.

I will be stronger for tomorrow because then I will have to make a plan. A plan to figure out how to pay for my last four credits of college, a plan on how to keep my horse.

I received an e-mail from my college stating that I owed them $1560 by tomorrow or my internship, the final task before graduation, will be dropped. I have no financial-aid or loans left to take out. I don’t even have close to that much money in the bank. So I had to borrow from my dad, who didn’t even have the money to loan me. I made a 1/3rd payment. In 2 months I owe the other 2/3rd’s. I have to find a way to pay him back and earn enough to make the other payment.

Then I received news that the land I have kept my horse on for 4 1/2 years is now no longer available to me and I have to have him off of it by July first. A month and a half away. I don’t even know where to turn to fix this. My family can’t really afford to move to a new house. But loosing my horse would be like loosing my legs, my freedom, my everything.

So give me a moment, a moment to be weak, cry, and feel lost. Tomorrow I will be better. I will be strong again. But give me this moment.