The Psychology of Myself

I have always loved psychology. In fact I love it so much that if I was not an English major I would have been a psychology major. I like learning about how the human mind works, how it thinks, how it processes information, and most importantly how it reacts. The process of this reaction is why I studied communication. When we react we communicate through verbal and body language. I try to figure out what everything means. And I’m usually fairly good at it, or so I think. There are some cases where I don’t know what’s actually going on, I can only make educated guesses based on my own reactions to similar situations.

I actually spend a large amount of time analyzing myself. What I am thinking, why I am thinking that, how I should react, how I shouldn’t react, how my reaction will affect others, how their reaction will then translate back to me. It is a never ending cycle that I find somewhat fun. It is a great way for me to entertain myself when I’m bored. In fact, the majority of the time I spend crocheting and knitting I am really analyzing my brain and just keeping my hands busy on something else.

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Now I know what you’re thinking and, yes. sometimes this does get me into trouble. I tend to over think simple situations. Then the actions I end up choosing do not produce the reaction I expected, which throws me off. Then I spend time trying to figure out why it didn’t go the way I saw it going in my head. I forget the majority of the time there is someone else in the picture and not just the way I think.

Sometimes when I have a subject in my head I think so fast that my body will physically start shaking because I’m trying to keep up with how fast I’m thinking. This is the point in time where I am obsessed with making lists. I even make lists of lists I want to write. I feel sorry for the people who have to listen to me on days where all I want to do is read my lists. I jump from one subject to another without any real connection. Then I start to panic because I realize there was a list I forgot to make. I have notebooks full of lists. I have what I call my sticky note wall next to my bed. This wall is full of sticky notes and the majority of them are lists or things that I want to remember. Currently on my sticky note wall there is a list of all the jobs I have applied for in the past month, businesses that I am looking into to apply for more jobs, people I have made projects for and the materials that I chose for these projects, and a list of my bills for the past two months.

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Here is where I will use psychology to try to figure out what my OCD habits mean. I write lists because I am a visual person. I want to see what I still have to do and I want to cross off what I have done. I want other people to know about these lists because I don’t want them to think that I’m not accomplishing anything. I work on several crochet and knitting projects at one time so when I finish one I feel accomplished, and then I can quickly move onto the next one. All of these habits and behaviors have grown exponentially since I got out of school. After some analyzing I have decided it is because I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything by sitting here. My lists and my projects are to keep me busy while I wait for something else to stimulate me.

My job at fast food is not stimulating enough to keep my mind busy. So I will literally write lists while I’m at work in between customers. I usually just throw the lists away when I’m done with them. Sometimes I even make a list of things I already did that day. Other times I write lists of things that I plan on doing when I get out. Or I will make a fake budget plan for the month, or a fake dinner menu. I’m literally driving myself crazy because there is nothing to challenge my mind. When we’re extremely busy at work and I am running around at 1,000,000 miles an hour my mind is still going about other subjects. I successfully turn myself on autopilot and get my job done but my mind is thinking about the future, the past, and the present, and the lists that I still need to make.

I hope that I find a job soon that will stimulate my mind, because I am driving myself crazy, so I know I must be driving other people crazy as well.

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