My Knight and My Dungeon

So my journey continued as I searched for where I belonged, feeling so lost and tore up by this point that I barely knew my own name. Enter knight in shining armor, we will call him “knight.”  Knight saw right through me. I had been wearing a mask to protect myself against the cruelty of the world, and the mask did what masks do, it took away part of my identity. Knight saw this and vowed to put the pieces of my life back together in turn helping me rediscover my identity. He offered me a bright red apple and I accepted it gratefully as a token of his love. He painted a beautiful fairy tale world for me to live in, but it never felt quite right. He helped me to rebuild myself, but what he built did not allow me to be who I was. I couldn’t fit into his new mold and so I resisted, which sent us spiraling into constant fighting. As the fights grew in intensity and frequency it began to tear me down. 

Knight was emotionally crippling me; anything he didn’t like was immediately rejected. While I attempted to rebuild myself he would find things that were “not acceptable” and put a stop to them. When my resistance continued he started using physical force as a means to control me. I became a fragile little doll he could throw around. He would throw me into furniture if I didn’t get out of his way, and if I got back up he would throw me again until I stayed down. He was at his most powerful standing over me, his armor shining so bright I was afraid to look because it might hurt my eyes. He would drag me into bedroom where he would stand in the doorway blocking my exit. This became my dungeon; I was trapped in his fairy tale world. Each fight the physical force and scare tactics grew worse, like the bean stalk growing higher and higher looming over me darkening my world. I was scared. I wanted out of his so called fairy tale, so one day while he was away from his castle, I escaped. I fled to somewhere he could never touch me again, but he still had power over my mind.       

Shining armor was not the only thing that Knight possessed; he was also the master of mind games, manipulation through his crystal ball as he watched me from afar. Like a snake whispering into my ear he would manipulate every conversation towards him being right and my own thoughts and actions being wrong. He had me convinced that my actions of leaving were wrong, that I was mistaken, and that his actions were justified. He darkened my world once again by attempting to convince me that physical and mental abuse was actually him loving me, they were him trying to teach me lessons, and that he was doing them intentionally for my own good.  

My heart, poisoned by the apple, willed for me to go to him, but my head sorting through the mind game maze tried to find reason with my decision. The inter turmoil I experienced caused me to fall into the clutches of the monster of depression once again. Feeling like my life would never go on and that I had nothing left to live for I drug myself through this thing called life for 6 months without feeling anything accept pain. The pain he put me through, and the pain I put myself through. My attempt to rip the seeds he had planted in me was weak and disorganized. His mastery of the mind had me convinced that I was hurting myself by staying away. I know now that was the bright red apple talking, and that one day his powerful voice would fade.  

Months after escaping the dungeon of the Knight in shining armor, I was finally healed enough to see through the clouded world I now lived in. My sky’s brightened and in this new light I rebuilt myself the way I wanted to. Now I cannot say that I lived happily ever after, because my journey isn’t over yet.

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6 Comments

Filed under By the Strength in Me

6 responses to “My Knight and My Dungeon

  1. Cindy

    Its FAR from over! Its just beginning! And you now know you have the power and strength, and are gaining the knowledge to write the script to be whatever YOU want it to be. Many of us have walked in your shoes, and have either chosen to stay or leave. Those who stay are weak and die. Those who leave grow so strong and are able to understand what they have to do to make their life their own. YOU GO GIRL!

  2. J Rod

    You have already found out that life’s journey has lots of turns and twists along the way. What builds your character and toughness is how you deal with the cards you have been delt. Sure every hand is not going to be a royal flush but you need to make the best of a pair of twos sometimes.I know a similar story of a girl who tried to fold her hand but by the grace of God he saved her life, she still had things to accomplish on this Earth. The most important thing is to remember that even when the chips are down there is always someone who cares about you, One of the things that I admire about you is that you bite the bit and push on, you make each day count, That is a wonderful quality to have these days.

    • The great thing about me is even though it would be easier to lay down and take the easy way out, I am too stubborn for that. Even though it is exhausting at times, pushing on and making each day count is the only way I want to live.

  3. Ankoku1331

    Very well written and powerful. This is inspirational and moving.

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